kinda sucks...

today was real shitty. i had nothing to do all day but sit at home. i did work out some but that is besides the point. i need to get shit organized and start going in high gear but everytime i say "today im going to do this..." or my favorite "i promise to do get this done" it never does. i was going to go to the recruiters office today but i just was so damn lazy and didnt want to get up and move anywhere. why!? shouldnt i be jumping, hoping, and skipping my way to ft myers and see them and get going because its something ive been wanting to do for awhile now... but im not!? why!? i guess my brain is telling me this will be extremely smart but my heart says dont go fool because you know damn well you wont like it!!! i got to get shit done. i need to start studying my asvab book too... i need to do some math and get good at it again before my test. it will help me dramatically if i can. ohhhhhh god give me the strength to get stuff done. lol

also something that blows is all these medical bills i get stuck with from my mom. i mean she basically throws these bills at me one after another. as soon as i turned 18 i was cut off completely of any support from her. i mean it has helped me become more independent and showed me that i can take care of myself but it sucks that she would do that to me. she kicked me out of the house and sent me the bills from my cancer... one after another, after another. reason why this is hitting me so hard all of a sudden was because today i got a call at my grandmothers house from the lee memorial collection dept. and they wanted to know when they would get their check. i had no idea i owed anything and when i asked how did they get my number to contact me at my grandmothers house they told me (and i quote) "we called your house in naples and your mom answered. when we asked about why you have missed your payment she told us to talk to you about it at your grandmothers house." and she gave them her number... i mean come on!? it sucks when your own mother cant help you out with any bills and will be damned to lend you any money. ive been asked "what about your dad??? will he help you out?" he would if he had the money. my dad works like someone ive never seen. he works 50 hours a week in that god forsaken heat outside painting. not glamours i know but it puts food on the table and he squeaks by with the bills. he has to support my good for nothing step mom that doesnt work and my little nephew. i only wish in the future i can be half the man he is. best of all about my dad he has the best attitude ive ever seen about life. he goes through so much shit but he always has a smile on his face. i think i now know where i get that from =]

i feel like too im fading away from some of my friends. some starting at other schools and i havent hung out in forever because they are always doing something with other people. im ok with it now. i feel confident that we will chill again soon. another thing... i feel like im not as close with another. we use to talk everynight about life, movies, random funny stories and now it doesnt happen so often. we also use to hang out alot more, actually about everyday but now because you have been so busy it has not happened. i miss you. i hope something can change real soon because i will go crazy. im been trying not to get mad with you too... i just hate how i get my heart set on hanging out and doing stuff with and then all of sudden we cant. it blows but i know its all for you to better yourself for the future. so i cant be mad. 

holy crap this is a long blog... im proud =]

Peace fools.